


Half-Baked Alaska

by KB9VCN



Category: RWBY
Genre: F/F, Humor, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-24
Updated: 2015-07-24
Packaged: 2018-08-29 12:52:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8490571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KB9VCN/pseuds/KB9VCN
Summary: Published 24-Jul-2015; humor; about 3500 words.For the 31_days "it's so clear that the two of you, on some level, belong together" prompt.This takes place some time after Yang and Neo fought on the train in v2e11.  Yang is at least 18YO by this time.  I imagined Neo to be in her mid-twenties.  (This draft is still a bit rough, but I need to get this out before v3 starts and Neo starts talking.)This contains trash-shipping (duh), borderline fourth-wall breaking, a somewhat OOC Blake, and weird adult humor.  Reader discretion is advised.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Published 24-Jul-2015; humor; about 3500 words.
> 
> For the [**31_days**](http://31-days.livejournal.com/) "[it's so clear that the two of you, on some level, belong together](http://31-days.livejournal.com/3090634.html)" prompt.
> 
> This takes place some time after Yang and Neo fought on the train in v2e11. Yang is at least 18YO by this time. I imagined Neo to be in her mid-twenties. (This draft is still a bit rough, ~~but I need to get this out before v3 starts and Neo starts talking~~.)
> 
> This contains trash-shipping (duh), borderline fourth-wall breaking, a somewhat OOC Blake, and weird adult humor. Reader discretion is advised.

Yang Xiao Long was strolling along a busy path through the bustling campus of Beacon Academy, pausing now and then for a friendly wave or a flirtatious wink, and generally enjoying being Yang Xiao Long.

She was not an exceedingly proud or vain woman (like Weiss), but she was also far from a shy and awkward girl (like Ruby). _Nora might be 'Queen Of The Castle'_ , Yang thought to herself, _but I'm definitely 'Queen Of The Campus'. All the women want to be like me, and all the men want to be WITH me..._

Yang suddenly paused and frowned in thought. _Wait a minute,_ she thought. _Is it, all the MEN want to be like me, and all the WOMEN want to be with me?..._

And then, she shrugged to herself and continued on her way. _It's probably both,_ she thought happily. _After all, I'm just so gosh-darn loveable that I can't be defined or limited by traditional gender roles._

And so it was that, engrossed in pleasant thoughts that were mostly about herself, Yang turned a corner and suddenly found herself face-to-face with the one and only thing that could ruin her good mood on this fine day. It was, in fact, a tiny pink and brown thing that had ruined her day and her mood several times in the recent past.

"...NEO," Yang snarled.

As usual, Neo silently courtesied while fixing Yang with her usual infuriating little smirk. (The diminutive Neo was actually face-to-face with the taller Yang, but only because Neo was standing on the steps of an adjoining stairway.)

And as usual, Yang went from zero to BERSERK in the blink of an eye, charging at Neo with fists raised. And again as usual, Neo easily dodged said fists. "HOLD STILL so that I can HIT you!" Yang yelled to no avail.

However, instead of looking for an opening for a counter-attack, Neo continued to dodge, and patiently waited for Yang to make a mistake. And soon, Yang did just that, tripping over a step on the stairway and falling to her hands and knees. "OOF!" she cried.

After catching her breath, Yang suddenly crumbled, forgetting her pride and losing her fighting spirit. "WHAT do you WANT from me?" she wailed.

And then, Yang looked up, expecting the usual knock-out blow. But to her surprise, Neo stood back on a higher step and looked down at her with... sympathy?

Yang closed her eyes and shook her head, and then she looked up at Neo again. And then, Neo sat on the step directly in front of her, reached down, and gently brushed the hair from Yang's face.

Yang's brain locked up. "Wha?... Uh?..." she stammered, not knowing how to react.

But then, the unexpected tender moment was over. As a cold smirk returned to Neo's face, she gestured with one gloved hand, and produced a small sealed envelope with a flick of her wrist. She held out the envelope toward Yang, as if she were a magician asking Yang to pick a card.

And when Yang was too stunned to respond, Neo leaned down further and gently pushed the envelope into the "mail-slot" that was formed by Yang's cleavage and low-cut blouse.

Neo stood back up, courtesied again, and vanished into thin air.

Yang rolled and sat down heavily on the stairway. She gingerly pulled the envelope from its resting place, held it by one corner and shook it to make sure it wouldn't explode, and then carefully opened it. As she read the short note that it contained, written in what apparently was Neo's immaculate handwriting, her eyes widened in further surprise.

"Oh, you have GOT to be KIDDING me!" Yang said out loud to no one in particular.

—

Yang sat on the edge of Blake's bed, slouching forward with her elbows on her knees, and holding the opened envelope in both hands. Ruby, Weiss and Blake stood around her, looking down at her with concern.

"It's a written invitation to a date?" Ruby asked.

"Yup," said Yang.

"From Neopolitan, of all people?" Weiss asked.

"Yup," said Yang.

"You ARE going, right?" Blake asked, far too eagerly.

"Yuh— wait, WHAT?" Yang just barely caught herself in time.

Ruby and Weiss also turned to stare at Blake. "Er," Blake stammered unconvincingly, "I meant that this is an excellent opportunity to gain Neo's confidence and gather information about her criminal activities. I OBVIOUSLY didn't mean that you should go on an actual DATE with NEO. That would just be WEIRD. Ha. Ha ha. Ha..."

Yang pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. "Blake, we all know that you are by far the most perverted member of Team RWBY. But I'm not one of your 'ninjas of love', OK? I'm not nearly enough of a masochist— or an idiot— to go on a date with that psychotic pipsqueak."

"Why not?" Blake asked, as if she were rising to the challenge of a debate. "It looks like she's fond of you, at least on some level."

"If so," Yank snarked, "she has a strange way of showing it, seeing as how she's nearly KILLED me SEVENTEEN TIMES!"

"So, you've been utterly defeated and completely at her mercy seventeen times?" Blake asked bluntly.

Yang hung her head. "Well, sixteen," she said sadly. "She let me go early once after she broke a nail."

"And how many of those sixteen times did she actually kill you?" Blake asked unnecessarily.

Yang blinked. "Huh?... Well, OK, zero. But what about all those times I've been flat on my back with her blade against my throat? And with her looking down at me with those creepy eyes and that crazed smirk!"

"Oh, come ON!" Blake said impatiently. "That's OBVIOUSLY just her way of FLIRTING with you!"

Yang face-palmed. "Blake, I don't really mind if you have some sick and twisted fantasy about me and Neo wedged in your sleep-deprived brain. But I'd appreciate it if you would refrain from SHIPPING me with a SOCIOPATH in front of my dear sweet precious innocent little SISTER!"

"It's OK, Yang," said Ruby. "I ship it too."

Yang slowly turned to face her sister with a pained look of sheer disbelief. "WHAT," she said flatly.

"In fact," Ruby said eagerly, "I ship it so hard that I might as well be working for 'Remnant Express'."

"RUBY! How COULD you?" a distraught Yang cried. "HOW could you SHIP your SISTER with the ENEMY?"

"Because it was MEANT TO BE!" an equally emotional Ruby shouted. "Yours is a unique relationship that transcends the never-ending battle of good versus evil!"

"And your personalities complement each other so well!" Blake added.

"And their wacky height difference!" Ruby said, turning to face Blake.

"And their contrasting color schemes!" Blake said, turning to face Ruby.

"I KNOW, RIGHT?" Ruby shouted. "They're just SOOOO CUTE TOGETHER!"

"SQUEE!" a wide-eyed Blake uncharacteristically shrieked with uncontrollable glee.

"SQUEE!" Ruby replied in a strange language that only she and Blake could understand.

As the two shippers excitedly waved their arms in the air and SQUEE'd at each other, a desperate Yang turned to Weiss. "A little help here?... Uh, Weiss? What are you doing?"

Weiss had pulled out a large suitcase, set it on her bed and opened it, and begun to pack. "Do whatever you think is best, Yang," she growled. "But I've had enough of those two idiots for a few days, and so I'm shipping MYSELF back to ATLAS!"

—

Yang had gone to Team JNPR to explain her situation and ask for advice. "Since you're the master tactician," she said to Jaune, "what do you think I should do?"

Jaune was still thinking about what Yang had told him. "So... you and Neo..." he said slowly.

"Yes?..." said Yang.

Jaune thought about it some more, and then his face turned red.

"...I can imagine what you're visualizing right now," an annoyed Yang said, "and you should be ashamed of yourself. What do you think, Pyrrha?"

"You must accept Neo's invitation, gain her confidence, and learn as much as you can about her..." Pyrrha said solemnly.

Yang nodded. "That sounds like what Blake said."

But Pyrrha wasn't finished. "And then you must use this knowledge to DEFEAT her," she growled, as she slowly raised one hand and clenched it into a fist for effect. "You must show your enemies no mercy, Yang. You must not rest until you have VANQUISHED her."

Yang sweat-dropped. "Ohh-kay. At least you're taking this seriously... Maybe a little bit TOO seriously."

"I LOVE it when you talk like that," Jaune said to Pyrrha.

"Not helping with the creepy vibe, Jaune." Yang turned to Nora. "What do you think?"

A sleepy Nora woke up with a half-snore, half-snort. "PANCAKES!" she said predictably.

"No, we're meeting at an ice cream parlor," Yang said patiently. "Although, they might have waffle cones. Ren?"

"Do what you think is best," Ren said calmly.

Yang rubbed her face in frustration. "That's what Weiss said, and it's probably the best advice I've gotten— and yet, it DOESN'T HELP AT ALL!"

—

Yang was slowly wandering through the stacks of the Beacon Academy library, not knowing exactly what she was doing there or what she was hoping to find. She turned a corner, and encountered what was possibly her second-least favorite person after Neo.

"Well, hello, Yang," said Professor Port. "What a pleasant surprise to find you here in the library."

"Aw, c'mon, Professor," said Yang. "I'm not that bad a student. Even I 'hit the books' now and then."

"And what an excellent student you could be," Port said, "if only you were to 'hit the books' more often."

"Yeah, yeah," Yang growled. "I didn't come here to be lectured. If I wanted a lecture, I'd have actually gone to one of your lectures."

"Then why are you here?" Port asked, not unkindly. "You seem troubled, my dear young lady. Is there something I can help you with?"

"Well, it's kind of embarrassing..." Despite herself, Yang decided to be completely honest. "Y'see, there's this girl who I thought was my sworn enemy, and she's even almost killed me several times. But she's just invited me on a date, and I'm not sure what I should do."

"Good heavens! Do you mean to say that you've already acquired a nemesis?" Port asked. "Congratulations are in order! Ah, you young Hunters and Huntresses grow up so quickly in these modern times... 

"Well, let me see. I believe there's a text on this very shelf that will be useful... Yes, here it is." The short and stout man (barely) reached up and pulled down a medium-sized book, glanced at its yellow and black cover, and then handed it to Yang.

Yang read the cover out loud. "'Nemeses For Dummies. Learn how to develop a deep and meaningful relationship with that special murderous sociopath in your life.' I guess they really do have one of these books for every subject... and I guess I'm going on that date, after all. Thanks, Professor. You really helped me out here."

"My pleasure," Port said. "I only wish that book had been available when I was your age."

"Oh?" Yang asked. "Did you have a nemesis too?"

Port seized the opportunity to talk about his favorite subject— himself. "Indeed I did. All the greatest Hunters and Huntresses in the history of Remnant have had an arch-enemy, and I was no exception."

Too late, Yang realized her terrible mistake of asking Port a question about himself. "Oh. That's nice. Well, I had better be going—"

"I cannot count the times he and I faced death together," Port recalled, "our hands locked round each others' necks, wanting nothing more than to see each other helpless and humiliated. Why, you could cut the homoerotic tension with a knife."

"You don't say," Yang said with a grimace. "And I mean that literally. Do. Not. Say."

"Sometimes I still see his face in my dreams," Port said wistfully. "And I must admit, many of those dreams are not unpleasant."

"No, seriously," an extremely uncomfortable Yang said. "You can quit talking any time now."

Port winked at Yang. "Ah, but nothing gets Mrs. Port 'in the mood' more quickly that lurid tales of my youthful misadventures—"

"For the SWEET LOVE of ALL that's GOOD and PURE," a tearful Yang begged, "STOP SAYING WORDS!" 

—

Yang walked up to the closed door of a small ice cream parlor on a dark and quiet city street. She took a deep breath, gathered up all of her nerve, and opened the door.

At first, she narrowed her eyes in the sudden glare of the brightly lit and spotless white tile of the parlor walls. But then, she saw Neo in a corner booth, enjoying a huge bowl of her namesake ice cream.

And then, Neo saw her. With a big happy smile in place of her usual smirk, she stood up and eagerly waved both Yang and a waitress to her booth.

Yang sat down in Neo's booth, but she sat as far away from Neo as she could. "Let me state for the record," she said, "that I have no idea why I'm here."

Neo pointed at the waitress, who (apparently having spent too much time around Neo) silently smirked at Yang.

"...oh," said Yang. "Right. It's an ice cream parlor. Um, strawberry sunrise smoothie, please. And can I get one of those little umbrellas with it?"

The waitress shot Yang an incredibly dirty look. "...I guess not," Yang said sadly to herself.

After the waitress walked away, Yang turned to Neo, who was now holding an old-fashioned stenographer's pad of lined paper and a fine ballpoint pen.

"So the whole 'silent killer' thing isn't just an act, huh," Yang said.

Neo nodded, clicked her pen, and tapped it against the open pad.

"...OK, first question," Yang said. "Why are you doing this?"

Yang wrote out her answer with an amused smile. _Do you really expect a criminally insane person like me to have a good reason for doing ANYTHING?_

Yang smiled sheepishly, despite herself. "Good point," she admitted.

_But if you want a reason? I was bored. And I'll admit it. I was lonely._

"You and Torchwick?..." Yang started to ask.

Neo rolled her eyes, stuck out her tongue, and made a barely audible choking sound, as if she were about to be sick.

Yang giggled. "Yeah, that's how everybody I know feels about him too."

 _He wouldn't be so bad to work with if he didn't smoke CIGARS!_ Neo wrote. _I have to soak my clothes in vinegar and baking soda to get the smell out of them!_

"Yeah, I don't know how either of you keep those white jackets clean... But getting back to the 'silent' thing. Can I ask why?..."

 _Sure. I started my life of crime young, and one of my first jobs went wrong. I took a knife to the throat._ Neo paused to raise her chin and point out a small faint scar. Yang winced and grimaced.

 _If I could've gone to a good hospital, I would have been fine_ , Neo continued. _As it was, one of my gang was a nurse, and she patched me up the best she could. That's also why I do the whole 'ice cream' thing. For a long time, ice cream was the only thing I could eat._

"Oh," Yang said after reading all of this. "Um... sorry?"

 _You're too nice,_ Neo wrote. _That's going to get you killed one of these days._

"You wish," Yang snarked. "So. Um. I guess I'll have to do most of the talking here, but I know there's a lot of things that we can't talk about. What do you want to talk about?"

 _Tell me about yourself,_ Neo wrote. _Everybody likes to talk about themselves._

"Can confirm," Yang agreed, thinking of her recent unpleasant encounter with Professor Port.

—

Some time later, Yang came to the pay-off of a long and mostly pointless story. "And THEN, I said to Junior, 'LIQUOR? I hardly even KNOW HER!'"

As Yang burst out laughing at her own punch-line, Neo dropped her pen and paper, pounded the table with her tiny fists, and shook with silent laughter.

Suddenly, Yang and Neo both remembered with whom they were talking. They froze in embarrassment, and then they both sat up straight, looked away and nervously tugged at their clothing.

"...this was fun," Yang admitted. "Weird, but fun. Are we going to do this again?"

Neo took up her pen and paper again. _Maybe,_ she wrote. _I'm sure we'll see each other again soon, regardless._

"I have to say that this date was much more enjoyable than the last seventeen times we've met," Yang noted.

 _Don't worry about it,_ Neo wrote. _You're good, Yang. And you're still young, and you're still learning. You'll be kicking my ass in no time._

Yang was taken aback by this unlikely compliment. "...um, thanks?" she said weakly.

 _But that shouldn't be a problem,_ Neo wrote. _I can always just murder you in your sleep._

"Looking for an excuse to sneak into my bed, are you?" Yang joked nervously.

Neo blinked, and her eyes briefly changed color. And then, she wrote again.

 _Maybe_ , Neo wrote again.

And then, Yang and Neo stared at each other. After a long and not entirely uncomfortable silence, Neo wrote out her parting words.

_I was so happy that you were willing to do this, Yang. You have an open mind and the spirit of an adventurer. If you keep that open mind and that adventurous spirit, then anything can happen. Who knows. Maybe it's not too late for me to try new things too._

_Until we meet again, Yang Xiao Long._

Neo stood up, tucked her pen and paper into her jacket, picked up her parasol, and silently courtesied. But then, she suddenly leaned in and gave Yang a peck on the cheek that was both surprisingly friendly and just a bit more than friendly.

As Yang held a hand to her cheek, Neo walked away and out the door, choosing to leave normally in place of her usual vanishing act.

"...OK, that was a extra-large slice of weird." Yang also stood up and began to leave, but froze when the waitress from earlier loudly cleared her throat and held up a receipt.

"Oh. Of course Neo didn't pay." Yang reached into her belt pouch and fumbled through it for a moment.

And then, Yang hung her head and sighed. "Aaaaaand of COURSE Neo STOLE my WALLET."

—

A tired and dejected Yang returned to her room. Weiss was long gone, but an anxious Ruby and Blake were waiting for her.

Ruby was relieved that Yang was unharmed, but concerned about Yang's apparent bad mood. "What happened?" Ruby asked.

"That little stinker stole my wallet," Yang grumbled as she kicked off her boots. "I had to sell my designer sunglasses to the waitress to pay for our date. My swag has been gravely compromised."

"How did it go before that?" Blake asked. "Did you learn anything useful?"

"Nope," said Yang. "I still haven't found a single place in this entire city where I can get one of those little umbrellas with a drink."

"But did you learn anything interesting from your date with Neo?" Blake asked impatiently.

Yang sat down next to Blake on the edge of her bed. "Mmm... Not exactly. But y'know, having Neo as my own personal nemesis might not be so bad. She 'said' some stuff at the end about having an open mind? And I hate to admit it, but she might have had a point."

Blake rested a hand on her partner's shoulder. "In that case," she said with a smile, "you did learn something, after all."


End file.
